45

first letters of our last names form my initials and that is something I can cherish without anyone really realising why.

44

i remember comparing our hairy legs and running around at night when we were supposed to be in our tents and you not getting dressed at all but walking back to camp in only a towel. I miss that summer. I miss you.

43

It hit me again.
The terrible realization of not being anything.
And of becoming nothing. I will never be a thing.

41

Today you were the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.

40

I'm filled with waves and salty water.
Still feeling like my whole life sways and turns and the hum of the refrigerator turns to splash of water, sounds of the cars, going past us turn to the sounds of late motorboats.

but now the swaying makes my head ache and the salty water spills from my eyes.

39

Why can't my love be in like the books,

why can't it be differnet and passionate and someone to die for.

Why can't i fight for someone, kiss someone when the waves roar around us, sink into someone.

Why can't i fucking get something special.

I'm too young to hate my life this passionately. I will fall in love over a cup of coffee or worse, over a drink and kiss and make love, under the covers, lights off. I will marry a person of the opposite sex in a beautiful church and get two childs and ruin everything i ever wanted to be.

My life won't even be like a sequel of an absolutely beautiful movie. My life gets the rewievs "Not so good performance" "I drank a whole bottle of wine" and two two and a half stars. "Utterly boring." But still it gets watched again and again and the sequel is me being tired and hating my partner and then dying in the hospital bed. 

-
This was written between 3 and 4 am on the night i couldn't sleep. I decided not to edit it at all.

38

The most brutal hour is between 3 and 4 am.
Your mind tries to work on every single way to destroy you.
At 5 you have already given up.
It gets better at 6 when the sun starts to rise and by 7 you are almost happy and that is when you fall asleep just to be awaken in 30 minutes.

42

You did do it didn't you oh you did
Painted flowers and cried for a loneliness
of a creature of another and hoped you could pray for them,
and believe in your own prayers.

37 (i deleted one again)

So they are leaving.
All of them.

Not really not all, and not for forever that much. For the camp that is supposed to turn you to a grown up.
The one where I cried myself to sleep.

They are nice and carry the glow of happiness. Brave and beautiful and they will get themselves to be a part of the group and I will be left with an after party after an after party after an after party with people I no longer even want to know.

I could use a drink, something stronger than water. Possibly a pint of blood I could wash my feet in.

35

we are proud of our crosses hanging on our necks. Pieces of gold and silver shining in the evening sun and I'm either happy or it's the alcohol i've been sipping throughout the night.