My hair looks like shit and I no longer care for makeup.
It would be easy to skip school, to tell them that I have a terrible headache and then not go. It would be easy to stay in bed and avoid everyone and everything, to wear pajamas the whole day.

I look to the mirror and wonder if anyone is ever going to see me as beautiful.

The only way I handle these blues is either staying up the whole night or sleeping for the whole day and I can do neither. Two days till my birthday and I'm supposed to be a bit more grown up again, people can use my age as a debate. I shouldn't scream to anyone anymore, I'm a small adult, but there is so much anger bottled inside me. In every nook it fits and I am more than upset. A small child can scream and shout. A small child is able to kick air and slam the door shut but all I can do is write and even that is not ok. What will people think of me, now that I am angry. Now that they know how I fist my hands and close my eyes and then just feel defeated as I can't do anything and the anger fades as every other emotion does too. It all turns to sadness at the end of the day and I end up sitting in the corner of the sofa, watching Romeo + Juliet and clasp my hands together. They will die in the end and I close the tv when Romeo cries and kills someone.

Do not make me feel bad. I will think it's all me before pushing you out, away, and then trying to get comfortable in my loneliness. "What will your father think" i ask myself as I pour noodles to a teacup.

fuck. Remember when I considered twice, or three times, even, before writing anything here.

I've been terribly sad lately, and slept badly.
I saw a nightmare of the girl who is all bee's knees and I'm trying to cope with that.
I am trying to cope with a lot of things:

• this fuzzy warm feeling I get when I'm around her
• the fact that I'm not straight and she is
• the fact that my grades are dropping
• the fact that I'll come across these same feelings again some day
• the fact that if she knew what I felt we would no longer be friends
• star trek: tos has only 3 season and i thought it had at least 10
• feelings. 

and these are mostly the things that make me sad, too. Then there is sadness that is actually caused by nothing particular, but it weights me down.

I'm tired of the subject "me"
I would rather talk about space, how women are shown in tv shows and kittens. Like, how important are kittens? pretty darn important.
Then again, I am not.

i eat red meat on a bread even though i'm supposed to be pollotarian.

I am potentially risking my life for boiling water for a cup of good-night-tea at 2.01 am and i feel two dimensional. My character has no character. 

I can't sleep.