33

mom. mum. mummy. mother. mother dear. dearest mother.

you who carried me for nine months.

you who gave birth to me.

stop acting like it isn't worth it.

stop acting like you aren't worth it.

but stop for a moment and think

what you did.

remember how you taught us to think what we had done

when we were old enough to

think for ourselves

and remember the story of the boy

who hit the nails to the fence

and pulled them off when he was nice

and left holes after holes after holes  

32

I was on a camp.
Most of it was awful. I cried myself to sleep two or three nights in a row.
I felt alone most of the time. I felt like everyone hated me.
I'm pretty sure they did but I no longer care.

The last night payed it all off. We were seated in a circle, and passed a candle to the next after telling how we felt about this camp.
I stared at the candle for a very long time before starting.
"In the beginning of the camp.. well, of course I didn't want to come here. Well not of course but you know. But I don't know, it was cool. Fine. I had fun. Wow I can't say anything more before crying."

I had so much more to say.
You are all still strangers to me. But I had fun while looking from outside to inside and I loved being part of this. Even tho you all didn't like me being a part of this.
Or
I cried myself to sleep for the first three nights. I felt like shit most of the camp. And I'm sorry for being a shit. 

Didn't.
We still have a celebration - a formal party and an after party that follows it. But I think that I will be fine with seeing everyone.

31

Note to self:

1. You don't need to hate everyone to be independent
2.You don't have to hide all your emotions to be strong
3. You don't have to hate everything just to keep yourself from getting hurt
4. Not everyone hates you, merely a person or ten of them

30

I would like a completely fresh start.

A white wall, empty house, empty head.

I want to rip my life from it's roots and plant it to a strange ground.

It is your home now, I'd say and smile, this is where you belong.

I used to dream of studying in oxford.

That was my favorite dream.

I'm pretty sure that i won't get there at any point but it's still one of my favorite dreams.

But now it's it because i could start with a clean start.

A blank page. 

28

The thing with ballerinas is that there are little things that make them really lovely.
Like offering chocolate to their friends in the dressing room, or the way they blabber.
The way their light blue underwear shows a bit under their black suits or the way their fingers dance in their hair as if they were dancers, each ten of them.

27

Mum braided my hair once in Paris -

in the way that it formed a clean halo of hair around my head and I smiled to the mirror while she was trying to figure out how to do it.

After she was finished she looked me for a moment, smiled and said:

"It's nice to see your face again."

I was puzzled, I never have my bangs on my eyes - it's always up or somehow in my bun.

How is it possible that she hasn't seen my face?

The answer hit me yesterday.

In Paris I was truly happy, happier than I had been in months and maybe I glowed in the way that the black veil of sadness had been removed 

26

I've felt all, hands, lately.
This doesn't make sense but imagine that you are standing in a group where you know no one and not saying anything and you don't know what to do with your hands.
You fiddle with them, cross them on your chest, put them in your pockets but it all feels somehow painful in your shoulders so you let them drop and hang on your sides.
I am feeling awfully like those hands.
I don't know what to do with myself.