"idk nm i had an anxiety attack in the toilet today. excused myself off the coffee table where my crush was sitting, too. i feel horrible, tho. the usual."

Early on a thursday night i show a screwdriver to a pencil sharpener and today when a carving tool slips to my fingers, twice, i say "I've had it worse" and "Plasters are for wussies"

It's not about valentine's day.

I don't even know why i bother at making friends, or talking, or breathing. 

"This isn't a bad thing," I think to myself as I count teddybear shaped macaroni.
106 70 240
"It's probably going to make everything better"
Healthy, Ballet, flight attendant, a b c
school is hard and I am soft

I've felt tired and unable to breathe lately. My skin itches and lungs refuse from filling and even though it's december i find myself running to my room, losing my shirt, and opening the window. I enjoy sitting here alone, knowing it's only me.

I worship my own skin, sleeping in nude more often than not - my skin is my only freedom and I know that I don't even own the only things that actually are my own, and they are my mind, body and soul. 

Sometimes I look at my body in the mirror and wonder when I started hating it.
(I remember it, though. So I doesn't take that long.)
After a while, though, I search every scar and stretch mark and every kiss of an angel and count them.
I know how I got the scar on my cheek, and those vicious little lines on my ankles.
I admire the lighter spot under my left breast and my bare feet, flat against the floor. I admire the way my thighs look when it's dark.
It's been a while since I haven't hated my body - the only thing people know of me. Stranger, especially. Been a while since I haven't spend a moment in a day spitting ugly words at it.

But however, it's been a while since i've hurt it. Since i've caused bruises to myself, scars.

My hair looks like shit and I no longer care for makeup.
It would be easy to skip school, to tell them that I have a terrible headache and then not go. It would be easy to stay in bed and avoid everyone and everything, to wear pajamas the whole day.

I look to the mirror and wonder if anyone is ever going to see me as beautiful.

The only way I handle these blues is either staying up the whole night or sleeping for the whole day and I can do neither. Two days till my birthday and I'm supposed to be a bit more grown up again, people can use my age as a debate. I shouldn't scream to anyone anymore, I'm a small adult, but there is so much anger bottled inside me. In every nook it fits and I am more than upset. A small child can scream and shout. A small child is able to kick air and slam the door shut but all I can do is write and even that is not ok. What will people think of me, now that I am angry. Now that they know how I fist my hands and close my eyes and then just feel defeated as I can't do anything and the anger fades as every other emotion does too. It all turns to sadness at the end of the day and I end up sitting in the corner of the sofa, watching Romeo + Juliet and clasp my hands together. They will die in the end and I close the tv when Romeo cries and kills someone.

Do not make me feel bad. I will think it's all me before pushing you out, away, and then trying to get comfortable in my loneliness. "What will your father think" i ask myself as I pour noodles to a teacup.

fuck. Remember when I considered twice, or three times, even, before writing anything here.

I've been terribly sad lately, and slept badly.
I saw a nightmare of the girl who is all bee's knees and I'm trying to cope with that.
I am trying to cope with a lot of things:

• this fuzzy warm feeling I get when I'm around her
• the fact that I'm not straight and she is
• the fact that my grades are dropping
• the fact that I'll come across these same feelings again some day
• the fact that if she knew what I felt we would no longer be friends
• star trek: tos has only 3 season and i thought it had at least 10
• feelings. 

and these are mostly the things that make me sad, too. Then there is sadness that is actually caused by nothing particular, but it weights me down.