illogical

My hair looks like shit and I no longer care for makeup.
It would be easy to skip school, to tell them that I have a terrible headache and then not go. It would be easy to stay in bed and avoid everyone and everything, to wear pajamas the whole day.

I look to the mirror and wonder if anyone is ever going to see me as beautiful.

The only way I handle these blues is either staying up the whole night or sleeping for the whole day and I can do neither. Two days till my birthday and I'm supposed to be a bit more grown up again, people can use my age as a debate. I shouldn't scream to anyone anymore, I'm a small adult, but there is so much anger bottled inside me. In every nook it fits and I am more than upset. A small child can scream and shout. A small child is able to kick air and slam the door shut but all I can do is write and even that is not ok. What will people think of me, now that I am angry. Now that they know how I fist my hands and close my eyes and then just feel defeated as I can't do anything and the anger fades as every other emotion does too. It all turns to sadness at the end of the day and I end up sitting in the corner of the sofa, watching Romeo + Juliet and clasp my hands together. They will die in the end and I close the tv when Romeo cries and kills someone.

Do not make me feel bad. I will think it's all me before pushing you out, away, and then trying to get comfortable in my loneliness. "What will your father think" i ask myself as I pour noodles to a teacup.

fuck. Remember when I considered twice, or three times, even, before writing anything here.